Sometimes, my heart hurts.

I am missing Rocket a lot lately. I might seem like a horrible, insensitive horse owner/person, but I ignored my responsibility of picking up his ashes. I have always been freaked out by death and everything related to it, even when it involves a loved one. I asked my mom to handle it a couple months after his death and to ask them if they could mail them. The thought of driving to Tufts, picking them up alone, and having his ashes in my car honestly scared me. Recently, Tufts contacted me. I had thought my mom had done it, she had thought I had done it, when in reality neither of us had.
 I felt really shitty. Anyone who knows me must know how much this horse meant and still means to me. We made arrangements for his ashes to be sent to my parents' house, where they will keep them safe until I decide what exactly to do with them. I have never understood the fact that people are comforted by ashes so I didn't really want them in an urn, and I already have his mane and tail for the physical link. Now, I think I understand how people feel comforted by it.

Last night, I had a vivid dream about him. Most people will think I am crazy, but I swear I feel him around me. I've always been sensitive to everything, even barometric pressure. That 'everything' sometimes includes energy. I don't see or hear ghosts. I don't even know what I believe in, in terms of the afterlife. But I know there's something. I feel Rocket over my shoulder. Imagine a slightly judgmental, snarky old man version of Eeyore. I can sense that energy as well now as I did when I was standing right next to him when he was alive. It's so hard to explain to someone who isn't aware of it, and I only feel it with some people/animals. Hell, even a pet psychic asked me if I knew my horse is constantly behind me when I was at Equine Affaire and decided to do a session for shits and giggles. 

I felt him strongly last night and today. Last night, I had a vivid dream about him. My dreams of him always consist of my finding a cure for him, and that he wasn't dead but sick. It was similar last night, but I felt that same energy. It's like an imprint of someone's whole existence. 

Today, I found out his ashes had arrived this morning. I honestly don't know if it's a coincidence or not that I had this dream within hours of his ashes arriving, but it hit me hard. I am no longer afraid of them, and I don't think I was ever afraid of the actual ashes, but of what they represent. If I received those ashes, it would mean that he's really, truly, unequivocally gone. It hit me like a ton of bricks tonight. My heart tore open. He's never coming back. I am back in that first month of losing him again. I reach out to people tonight, desperately trying to find someone or something to fill that sickening feeling of grief. But nobody can, including me. 

I feel him behind me now, over my shoulder. That slightly 'done with your shit' but also the kindest, gentlest soul I have ever, and probably will ever meet.

Some people will think I am wacko for believing that I can feel energy, especially that I can identify whose it is. I don't really care anymore. 

I will be ok. I have been living without him for a year and a half. But tonight, it feels more unnatural than most.