A long-ass post with everything, including some positive changes, a legitimate goal and deadline.

SUNDAY
I chose a salad today. It doesn’t sound like much, but I really wanted something sugary and/or full of carbs, but I didn’t do it. To satisfy my sweet tooth, I ended up getting apple slices and that definitely helped.

I don’t know if I mentioned this in my previous post, but I am hoping to make it to the 100s by March 18. My family is going on a cruise and every time I have a vacation, I always say to myself beforehand that I will take that opportunity to use it as motivation. It has never worked in the past and the last time I went on vacation, I was 242 pounds. I didn’t like being in photos because, truth be told, I was (and still am to an extent) afraid to see just how big I was. Shorts didn’t really fit me unless I wanted to bump up even another size. That would put me at a size 20 and felt like losing to me. It was like a whole other level of shame. I was in denial. So mostly, I wore leggings or yoga pants. I hated taking my outer clothes off to go swimming because my thighs rub together, I was convinced that everyone is staring at the girl that looks like a whale. Inevitably, it was just not a good feeling. I also was limited to what I could do because everything had weight restrictions, even a waterslide. This trip, I plan on going on a galloping through the jungle experience and I will not have to worry about being even close to the weight limit. I don’t think I will like shorts even now, because I really have thunder thighs, but it’s nice to have the option.

I can tell that I’m losing weight in my face the most I think. My jawline is more visible and I don’t have as much of a double chin. It’s funny the things that you notice as soon as they are not there. I didn’t know my chain weighed anything, but it definitely did.

This is another day. Now it’s Monday night. I spent two hours or so in the library studying before my anatomy and physiology 2 lab. I’m still overwhelmed, but I think I’m getting the hang of it a little bit more now. My teacher is nice and answers questions when I have them. I do feel like I’m at a deficit when I’m in a class where everyone else already has a semester under their belt, but that was my choice and I stand by it. The sucky thing about the vacation coming up is that it is during a week of school. I will be missing a lecture, a lab from each course , and two quizzes that I can’t make up. It puts stress on me even more because I feel like that is putting me at a disadvantage. But unfortunately, the prices during my designated spring break are outrageous and is not an option.

I was really craving some sort of baked good on the way to school today. I was actually looking for a bakery while driving. When I got there, I ended up going to Panera and getting a muffin top. I got a banana and a latte as well as a water. It wasn’t my best choice, but the craving wasn’t going away and I had eaten clean the rest of the day. Plus, the latte didn’t end up sitting with me well (my stomach sometimes doesn’t tolerate the acidity of coffee) and I barely had any. I plan on having something low-carb for dinner to make up for that splurge. What I’m slowly learning is that it’s not all or nothing. Of course, I don’t want to go back to the days where I eat a donut or two knowing the consequences and still being mad at myself afterwards when I feel fat or full or just gross.

This is now two days later. I have made some questionable dietary choices, and I’m not as happy with myself traveling. Not to be TMI, but I am pretty sure I’m PMSing and it’s making me crave all the bad foods. I almost feel like I am weaker-willed during this time. Even after I just ate, I’m still craving food. I’ve been having McDonald’s and I forget what I made for myself when I was fully engrossed in the low carb lifestyle. I guess that’s the good thing about this blog:  I can probably go back and see. I’m interested in finding a nutritionist who can help me with better cooking habits and can help me find a good balance of healthy, appetizing, and practical.

I am ending this blog here, but am going to post a completely different entry tonight as well. It just doesn't belong in this post.