'tis the season for health anxiety and good revelations. (And a weight update)
Well, friends, it's been a tough month. Riddled with anxiety/stress. I have to move homes again, but the last place fell through and I already told my landlord I was moving, so I am under pressure to find a place fast. I have school, which I am letting slip. I can feel it, but I do nothing about it. This semester is SO close to being over. I just need to get past this. Then I continued to lose weight without trying and I got scared. Hypochondria took hold deep within my gut, and I convinced myself something fatal was wrong with me. I was eating donut holes and pizza and still losing weight. I made a doctor's appointment but it was 5 days away. I sat in a depressive slide where I let my chores and even hygiene (hair washing, nothing gross) go longer than I should. I got an extension for math and still did nothing about it. I have a retake for a Chemistry test, and I watched Netflix. It's like my ambition shut down. Everything shut down except that clench in my chest and hyperawareness of my body. Is my stomach hurting? Am I breathing ok? Do I feel dizzy? Is my appetite changing? etc. Hell, I even started to purposely overeat to see if I would still lose weight. After a week of that, I went from 217 to 220 within like 2 days.
I saw the doctor today. Blood tests were all normal. Kidney, liver, CBC, and lipid panels were all good. As of now, I am healthy. I am a little emotional typing that. Regardless of the small voice in the back of my mind telling me that I was overreacting, it still didn't stop the gut-wrenching feeling that something is wrong with me. To be able to know that my blood tests were normal and it is most likely the Metformin helping my body process the excess carbs, I can start to enjoy the weight loss.
This post probably sounds depressing, especially at first. But I will be ok. Lately, most of my posts have been dreary, and I am sorry about that. I don't want to be melodramatic or depressing, but it's simply what I am facing currently. I have a TON of stuff on my plate (literally and metaphorically, I guess!) and my body isn't handling it well. The good news is that I have some reassurance from my medical team, and I am going to try my best to live my life to the fullest.
I've been more active lately. Even on the days that I don't have the drafts, I still go and help my co-worker out. I need to be moving; doing something. Last night, after riding and school and chores, I did modified push-ups, standard squats, shoulder touches, planks, etc. because I had this nervous energy. I was itching to do something with it. I was literally trembling. That being said, I'd rather have that kind of manifestation of anxiety because I can actively do something about it. I can use it to my own advantage. I will say that my anxiety isn't completely gone, even after the doctor's visit. I still have tightness in my chest and overall jitters, but I'll take that compared to the other manifestations of my anxiety.
I am now addicted to the saddle. One of the best 'side effects', I guess you could say, of losing some weight is being offered more horses to ride. I have more opportunities now than I did at 240. I no longer hate to see myself on video (on a horse at least). I rode 3 different horses this week. My legs are sore, and I need more. I have been challenged by good horses, ridden thinner-boned thoroughbreds who held me fine. Before, I couldn't ride one for fear that I would be too much for them or I'd look disproportionate. I am not going to lie; it feels absolutely amazing to be riding again. I fit in jeans that I could barely button 6 months ago. I was a few pounds from size 20. (Ouch.) I also fit into a jacket that had been growing tighter and tighter around my waist as years went by and pounds piled on. Currently, I am the lightest I've been in 6 years.
All of that being said, I haven't been eating healthy lately. Mostly because I was testing my own limits and honestly too anxious to care. But now that I know I am healthy, I am going to be trying more. I will say, when I wake up, I don't seek carbs anymore. I don't have cereal in the house, but I also don't have that many fruits and veggies either. I am getting far too much takeout and not caring what I put in my body. Convenience over quality has won out recently, but I am going to try to change that. I am going to try some shakes for breakfast, because I can pack a lot of nutrients in that, and I don't have the need to be eating 5 freaking bowls of cereal anymore. If I have been losing weight without trying and eating munchkins and crap multiple times a week, imagine what I can do when I actually TRY.
I will try to keep this blog more updated, and hopefully it will be filled with more positive life changes and healthy lifestyle choices.
I saw the doctor today. Blood tests were all normal. Kidney, liver, CBC, and lipid panels were all good. As of now, I am healthy. I am a little emotional typing that. Regardless of the small voice in the back of my mind telling me that I was overreacting, it still didn't stop the gut-wrenching feeling that something is wrong with me. To be able to know that my blood tests were normal and it is most likely the Metformin helping my body process the excess carbs, I can start to enjoy the weight loss.
This post probably sounds depressing, especially at first. But I will be ok. Lately, most of my posts have been dreary, and I am sorry about that. I don't want to be melodramatic or depressing, but it's simply what I am facing currently. I have a TON of stuff on my plate (literally and metaphorically, I guess!) and my body isn't handling it well. The good news is that I have some reassurance from my medical team, and I am going to try my best to live my life to the fullest.
I've been more active lately. Even on the days that I don't have the drafts, I still go and help my co-worker out. I need to be moving; doing something. Last night, after riding and school and chores, I did modified push-ups, standard squats, shoulder touches, planks, etc. because I had this nervous energy. I was itching to do something with it. I was literally trembling. That being said, I'd rather have that kind of manifestation of anxiety because I can actively do something about it. I can use it to my own advantage. I will say that my anxiety isn't completely gone, even after the doctor's visit. I still have tightness in my chest and overall jitters, but I'll take that compared to the other manifestations of my anxiety.
I am now addicted to the saddle. One of the best 'side effects', I guess you could say, of losing some weight is being offered more horses to ride. I have more opportunities now than I did at 240. I no longer hate to see myself on video (on a horse at least). I rode 3 different horses this week. My legs are sore, and I need more. I have been challenged by good horses, ridden thinner-boned thoroughbreds who held me fine. Before, I couldn't ride one for fear that I would be too much for them or I'd look disproportionate. I am not going to lie; it feels absolutely amazing to be riding again. I fit in jeans that I could barely button 6 months ago. I was a few pounds from size 20. (Ouch.) I also fit into a jacket that had been growing tighter and tighter around my waist as years went by and pounds piled on. Currently, I am the lightest I've been in 6 years.
All of that being said, I haven't been eating healthy lately. Mostly because I was testing my own limits and honestly too anxious to care. But now that I know I am healthy, I am going to be trying more. I will say, when I wake up, I don't seek carbs anymore. I don't have cereal in the house, but I also don't have that many fruits and veggies either. I am getting far too much takeout and not caring what I put in my body. Convenience over quality has won out recently, but I am going to try to change that. I am going to try some shakes for breakfast, because I can pack a lot of nutrients in that, and I don't have the need to be eating 5 freaking bowls of cereal anymore. If I have been losing weight without trying and eating munchkins and crap multiple times a week, imagine what I can do when I actually TRY.
I will try to keep this blog more updated, and hopefully it will be filled with more positive life changes and healthy lifestyle choices.
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