Exhaustion. But hey, another weigh in.
Life has been crazy.
Since starting my new med of Metformin, I have noticed some extra symptoms of anxiety. Heart palpitations, paranoia, etc. But it doesn't help that my schedule is super full right now and it simply doesn't leave a ton of time for just unwinding and, well, containing my anxiety. I have my second Chemistry exam in a week that I am sorely unprepared for, my lab practical 2 days after that, I had to cram an ungodly amount of Algebra homework last night, Equine Affaire/the breed demo, and riding Seamus daily. Oh, and moving. Even though it's just down a level, it's surprisingly difficult and all of my furniture is impossibly heavy. Then there's all of the repainting...
A lot of my workload is elected. I don't have to move or participate in the Equine Affaire. Those are things I want to do, but with everything else on my plate, it's just added stressors. I had a full-on breakdown in one of the Shire stalls a few days ago because at first I was convinced I was dying of a brain tumor because I experienced a phantom smell. Then my mom tries to make me feel better by saying she experiences them often, and my paranoia-laden mind takes that and warps it into meaning my mom is the one with the tumor. I wailed in the stall for a good 5 minutes. I am overwhelmed and as of now, there is just an immense amount of responsibility on my shoulders from all different directions. But I think the breakdown helped quell things off a bit. I am looking into whether the Metformin could be causing this or if it could be a vitamin deficiency. This is like anxiety and depression intertwined.
I have been having some more setbacks with Seamus. He threw a nasty spook the other day and I ended up in the dirt yet again. He is a lot jumpier lately, and I am trying to distinguish what may have changed to make this happen. As it is, I was/still am more timid to ride him because of the unpredictability element. But I have to ride him 5-6 days a week because he needs to be in a conditioning program. It's a double-edged sword. The other day, one of the women at the barn offered her old saddle to try on him, because I still haven't found a western saddle to fit him correctly. She and our barn owner stayed to babysit us while we rode. I am grateful for both of those women for being there for me and recognizing that I desperately needed some hand-holding and cheerleading. It also helps having eyes on the ground to tell me things that I might not necessarily feel. And it worked very well. He loves that saddle, and so do I. For the first time since I've bought him, he felt like the horse I tried. It's like his little Western Pleasure switch was flicked back on and although he did overreact to a couple of things, he was certainly trying. We will still need to be babysat until I feel comfortable that we can get around the ring without deciding that the bird flying out of the tree will attack him, but I am feeling much better about it than I had in the past.
Ok, moving on from the dark stuff and back onto the health side of things. I have broken into the teens. As of tonight, I am 219lb. It's getting to the point where I am accepting it's not a terminal illness, just me learning to manage portions and sugars. I will say, I haven't been eating as well lately. I am pressing my luck and need to get a little back on board with the program. Well, what's left of the program. But I am working at at least one farm a day, usually riding more than one horse and lifting probably around my weight in manure. That being said, upping my processed carb intake is a tedious game of figuring out my body's limits. I am in the middle of that process now.
Now that I am fully exhausted from typing out like 3 paragraphs of text, I will bid you all adieu for now. I am very grateful for those in my life who understand that I don't choose to have my anxiety. It isn't as simple as 'being happy'. As more time goes on, the more my friends and peers open up that they suffer from similar mental illnesses. As strange as it sounds, I am grateful for them, both that they trust that I will understand/will not judge and because it brings a sense of camaraderie.
Since starting my new med of Metformin, I have noticed some extra symptoms of anxiety. Heart palpitations, paranoia, etc. But it doesn't help that my schedule is super full right now and it simply doesn't leave a ton of time for just unwinding and, well, containing my anxiety. I have my second Chemistry exam in a week that I am sorely unprepared for, my lab practical 2 days after that, I had to cram an ungodly amount of Algebra homework last night, Equine Affaire/the breed demo, and riding Seamus daily. Oh, and moving. Even though it's just down a level, it's surprisingly difficult and all of my furniture is impossibly heavy. Then there's all of the repainting...
A lot of my workload is elected. I don't have to move or participate in the Equine Affaire. Those are things I want to do, but with everything else on my plate, it's just added stressors. I had a full-on breakdown in one of the Shire stalls a few days ago because at first I was convinced I was dying of a brain tumor because I experienced a phantom smell. Then my mom tries to make me feel better by saying she experiences them often, and my paranoia-laden mind takes that and warps it into meaning my mom is the one with the tumor. I wailed in the stall for a good 5 minutes. I am overwhelmed and as of now, there is just an immense amount of responsibility on my shoulders from all different directions. But I think the breakdown helped quell things off a bit. I am looking into whether the Metformin could be causing this or if it could be a vitamin deficiency. This is like anxiety and depression intertwined.
Ok, moving on from the dark stuff and back onto the health side of things. I have broken into the teens. As of tonight, I am 219lb. It's getting to the point where I am accepting it's not a terminal illness, just me learning to manage portions and sugars. I will say, I haven't been eating as well lately. I am pressing my luck and need to get a little back on board with the program. Well, what's left of the program. But I am working at at least one farm a day, usually riding more than one horse and lifting probably around my weight in manure. That being said, upping my processed carb intake is a tedious game of figuring out my body's limits. I am in the middle of that process now.
Now that I am fully exhausted from typing out like 3 paragraphs of text, I will bid you all adieu for now. I am very grateful for those in my life who understand that I don't choose to have my anxiety. It isn't as simple as 'being happy'. As more time goes on, the more my friends and peers open up that they suffer from similar mental illnesses. As strange as it sounds, I am grateful for them, both that they trust that I will understand/will not judge and because it brings a sense of camaraderie.
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