Weigh in day, dog searches, and slip ups.
Hunker down, folks. This is a long one. It is also written over multiple days.
Thursday
I have always known that weight-loss is a non-linear process. It is unrealistic to believe that every week, I will lose weight. On that same thought process, it is also unrealistic to believe that once I am on my dietary plan, it means that cravings will cease completely and I will not have any slip-ups.
I've been silent for the past week or so. It wasn't completely on purpose, but at the same time, it's hard to write about failure. Well, let's redact that a little bit. It's not a failure, it's simply a setback. I am not being overly down on myself, but I am being realistic. I didn't do as well as I should have this week. That's OK. If I went in with the attitude of gaining weight is a failure, then this process would be over very quickly. This week, I gained ~1.5lb back.
There were a lot of temptations this week, and I gave in to said temptations. My sisters were home from Seattle, and we celebrated two birthdays in four days, plus a pizza party for family. I had game plans, but in the end, the cravings won out this time. I had a slice of ice cream cake which is fine. I'm allowed. But that streak continued and I had strawberry shortcake a couple of nights after that; stuffed my face with regular pasta while waiting for my own meal to be heated up. The day of the pizza party, I was all set to have one slice and have salad for the rest of the meal, but I decided to try and find cauliflower pizza instead. Thankfully, my sister did find it, but while I waited for that to heat up, I had a slice of cheese pizza. And then I had a couple of slices that are loaded up with toppings. I mostly just ate the toppings off of the pizza, but I would be lying if I said I didn't have any of the bread. Then there was the dessert. This is always my downfall. There is apple pie, bread pudding, mini cupcakes (my huge downfall) and homemade zucchini bread. I had a little bit of everything, and then some. I think it's the fact that it was all there, sitting in front of me. It's different than passing it in the store aisle. It is just so accessible. The next morning, I got up and had some more zucchini bread, a couple of bites of the bread putting, and a spoonful of apple pie.
So, I fell off the wagon. I'm disappointed in myself, but I know my only option is to pick myself up, dust myself off, and try to catch that wagon again. But that, my friends, is a lot easier said than done. I am finding myself reaching for processed carbohydrates without really thinking about the consequences, and that is something that I need to nip in the bud.
I had my first biology class this past Saturday. It didn't go badly; I actually kind of enjoyed it. My teacher is really nice, funny, and willing to help us any way she can. A good teacher makes a world of difference, especially in lab. I didn't do as well on my first lab quiz as I would like, but she offers a lot of extra credit, and I'm hoping to fulfill all of that. The stress of taking all math and science classes is not lost on me. It is hard. I had hoped that I would prove myself wrong and I would have an innate ability for chemistry if I went in with the right mindset. But, that's not going to happen. I think it's even more stressful knowing that I need to get a good grade in all of my classes in order to be accepted into my program of radiology tech. Not only do I have to pass, but I have to do well. That is so hard when even concepts in class are lost on me. But I am planning on getting a weekly tutor closer to home so that I will not stress about having the time to go to campus a half an hour away on the days other than my classes. Somehow, I'm getting 100% in my math class so far. It is an online class, and that's where I seem to thrive. But it's only the second week so I can't get cocky.
Juggling the drafts, my barn, and school is a touch tricky, and I am throwing another hat into the ring. I'm on my way to meet a golden retriever. She's a four-year-old purebred whose owner just got married to someone in the Armed Forces and cannot take her. The mother of the daughter is the one rehoming her, and she seems very nice. It's a super long journey out to Pennsylvania, but it's worth it. That being said, it's bittersweet. I don't do well with change, in any capacity. Even if it is me making a change and fulfilling the dream of owning a golden retriever again, it comes with a lot of stressors knowing that I will be responsible for another life. At least with the pony, I have help. With this, I will be on my own. But the good news about this is that Jasmine is almost preparing me for this. She wakes me up at six in the morning to get her breakfast, meow in my ear, and makes me be home at certain times to be sure that she's taken care of. Her medications had to be administered in a certain timeframe, and it is helping me slowly get adjusted to the thought of having to do the same thing with the dog. In a weird way, Seamus has also helped me see that odds are, it will be a rough month or so of adjusting to a new home and routine for both the dog and me.
My dream is to find a dog that has a good personality to possibly be trained as a therapy animal. This will be beneficial both for my emotional needs and a way to get back to the community for what my own golden did for me as a child.
Friday
The Golden was a good dog. She has good recall (comes when she's called) and is overall a lovebug. She melted into a belly rub position and sat not by, but ON my feet. She has that infectious Golden smile. But something is holding me out from saying yes. Is it the fact that I live on the second story of a Duplex on a busy road without a fenced in yard? Is it the fact that it's a huge change? Or is it simply that my gut is telling me she's not the dog for me?
I have found another possibility for a dog. He's a 2 year old English Cream Golden Retriever, which is basically a branch of Goldens that are lighter in color and have subtle differences from the American Golden Retriever. He is apparently service dog trained and knows how to alert to an anxiety attack before the person even can feel it's brewing. He has gentle eyes and the perfect Golden tail. I am excited to meet him. The fact that he's already trained to detect and alert to anxiety could be a game changer for my dissociative episodes.
I am looking at small single-family houses with fenced in yards in my area. It would make my life so much easier in a variety of ways, but a huge reason is the fact that I could just let the dog out. I also am super conscious of the fact that I live above a couple who goes to bed at 9 (I get home at 9:30 on an average night) and since the house was built in the 1800s, the floor is creaky. I turn down the tv to a low volume just in case the walls are thin enough for me to bother them, etc. I am seeing a house sometime this upcoming week.
I am finding that I am crabbier than normal. It started when I fell off of the wagon. I wonder if it's due to my upped processed carb intake. I don't remember how I felt when I was on it, to be honest. According to Michelle, I was a lot more cheerful and energetic when I was fully on program.
I am eating better. Not perfectly by any means, but I am making better choices. For now, I'll take it.
Thursday
I have always known that weight-loss is a non-linear process. It is unrealistic to believe that every week, I will lose weight. On that same thought process, it is also unrealistic to believe that once I am on my dietary plan, it means that cravings will cease completely and I will not have any slip-ups.
I've been silent for the past week or so. It wasn't completely on purpose, but at the same time, it's hard to write about failure. Well, let's redact that a little bit. It's not a failure, it's simply a setback. I am not being overly down on myself, but I am being realistic. I didn't do as well as I should have this week. That's OK. If I went in with the attitude of gaining weight is a failure, then this process would be over very quickly. This week, I gained ~1.5lb back.
There were a lot of temptations this week, and I gave in to said temptations. My sisters were home from Seattle, and we celebrated two birthdays in four days, plus a pizza party for family. I had game plans, but in the end, the cravings won out this time. I had a slice of ice cream cake which is fine. I'm allowed. But that streak continued and I had strawberry shortcake a couple of nights after that; stuffed my face with regular pasta while waiting for my own meal to be heated up. The day of the pizza party, I was all set to have one slice and have salad for the rest of the meal, but I decided to try and find cauliflower pizza instead. Thankfully, my sister did find it, but while I waited for that to heat up, I had a slice of cheese pizza. And then I had a couple of slices that are loaded up with toppings. I mostly just ate the toppings off of the pizza, but I would be lying if I said I didn't have any of the bread. Then there was the dessert. This is always my downfall. There is apple pie, bread pudding, mini cupcakes (my huge downfall) and homemade zucchini bread. I had a little bit of everything, and then some. I think it's the fact that it was all there, sitting in front of me. It's different than passing it in the store aisle. It is just so accessible. The next morning, I got up and had some more zucchini bread, a couple of bites of the bread putting, and a spoonful of apple pie.
So, I fell off the wagon. I'm disappointed in myself, but I know my only option is to pick myself up, dust myself off, and try to catch that wagon again. But that, my friends, is a lot easier said than done. I am finding myself reaching for processed carbohydrates without really thinking about the consequences, and that is something that I need to nip in the bud.
I had my first biology class this past Saturday. It didn't go badly; I actually kind of enjoyed it. My teacher is really nice, funny, and willing to help us any way she can. A good teacher makes a world of difference, especially in lab. I didn't do as well on my first lab quiz as I would like, but she offers a lot of extra credit, and I'm hoping to fulfill all of that. The stress of taking all math and science classes is not lost on me. It is hard. I had hoped that I would prove myself wrong and I would have an innate ability for chemistry if I went in with the right mindset. But, that's not going to happen. I think it's even more stressful knowing that I need to get a good grade in all of my classes in order to be accepted into my program of radiology tech. Not only do I have to pass, but I have to do well. That is so hard when even concepts in class are lost on me. But I am planning on getting a weekly tutor closer to home so that I will not stress about having the time to go to campus a half an hour away on the days other than my classes. Somehow, I'm getting 100% in my math class so far. It is an online class, and that's where I seem to thrive. But it's only the second week so I can't get cocky.
Juggling the drafts, my barn, and school is a touch tricky, and I am throwing another hat into the ring. I'm on my way to meet a golden retriever. She's a four-year-old purebred whose owner just got married to someone in the Armed Forces and cannot take her. The mother of the daughter is the one rehoming her, and she seems very nice. It's a super long journey out to Pennsylvania, but it's worth it. That being said, it's bittersweet. I don't do well with change, in any capacity. Even if it is me making a change and fulfilling the dream of owning a golden retriever again, it comes with a lot of stressors knowing that I will be responsible for another life. At least with the pony, I have help. With this, I will be on my own. But the good news about this is that Jasmine is almost preparing me for this. She wakes me up at six in the morning to get her breakfast, meow in my ear, and makes me be home at certain times to be sure that she's taken care of. Her medications had to be administered in a certain timeframe, and it is helping me slowly get adjusted to the thought of having to do the same thing with the dog. In a weird way, Seamus has also helped me see that odds are, it will be a rough month or so of adjusting to a new home and routine for both the dog and me.
My dream is to find a dog that has a good personality to possibly be trained as a therapy animal. This will be beneficial both for my emotional needs and a way to get back to the community for what my own golden did for me as a child.
Friday
The Golden was a good dog. She has good recall (comes when she's called) and is overall a lovebug. She melted into a belly rub position and sat not by, but ON my feet. She has that infectious Golden smile. But something is holding me out from saying yes. Is it the fact that I live on the second story of a Duplex on a busy road without a fenced in yard? Is it the fact that it's a huge change? Or is it simply that my gut is telling me she's not the dog for me?
I have found another possibility for a dog. He's a 2 year old English Cream Golden Retriever, which is basically a branch of Goldens that are lighter in color and have subtle differences from the American Golden Retriever. He is apparently service dog trained and knows how to alert to an anxiety attack before the person even can feel it's brewing. He has gentle eyes and the perfect Golden tail. I am excited to meet him. The fact that he's already trained to detect and alert to anxiety could be a game changer for my dissociative episodes.
I am looking at small single-family houses with fenced in yards in my area. It would make my life so much easier in a variety of ways, but a huge reason is the fact that I could just let the dog out. I also am super conscious of the fact that I live above a couple who goes to bed at 9 (I get home at 9:30 on an average night) and since the house was built in the 1800s, the floor is creaky. I turn down the tv to a low volume just in case the walls are thin enough for me to bother them, etc. I am seeing a house sometime this upcoming week.
I am finding that I am crabbier than normal. It started when I fell off of the wagon. I wonder if it's due to my upped processed carb intake. I don't remember how I felt when I was on it, to be honest. According to Michelle, I was a lot more cheerful and energetic when I was fully on program.
I am eating better. Not perfectly by any means, but I am making better choices. For now, I'll take it.
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