I'm the worry wart of the century. And weigh-in results.
This post is from last night. I ended up getting distracted and forgot to edit it. I am in a better mental state now, but still figured I would share what was running through my mind. After all, the whole point of this blog is to document my progression, regression, struggles, and successes.
This is the first week since I've started this that I haven't lost anything. I am only up .4 of a pound, but it still is frustrating. That being said, I did slip a lot this week.
My schedule has changed, what with school and stuff. That's not a bad thing, but it's a change and I'm not good with change. I know, I know, I wanted this. But the added stress of classes has done some damage to my mental health. Nothing that will stop me from continuing, and I'm sure that once I get into the groove of it, I will feel better. But as of now, it's all brand spanking new, and very much overwhelming.
Along with that, I have my horse who apparently had something wrong with his stifle and is out of commission until I can have my vet looking at him next week.On Wednesday night , I came home to my cat eating something she shouldn't have, so I was on poop watch. She was acting OK and so I went to bed as normal. But every 10-15 minutes, she would hop up on my bed, meow in my ear, climb over my chest, climb on my head, etc. She was just overall refusing to settle in and around 1 AM , I decided to take her to the vet later in the morning and skip my second lecture. I didn't get much sleep and I had to leave her at the vet's office to get some urine because she is very much a prone to urinary tract infections. I then drove the hour to my lab. She already has kidney, heart, and G.I. tract issues, so her health is always kind of finicky. I don't like the feeling of not knowing when she could turn the corner for the worst. With my anxiety, it is hard not to worry about anything and everything, especially when there is a legitimate reason to be worried. During lab, I get a call saying that she does indeed have a urinary tract infection. After lab, I go to the barn to do stalls and find that my horse has been having diarrhea all day. Great. Another thing to worry about. My heart jumps and the smell reminds me of rocket and his chronic issues. It's all just too much for one day and being me, I worry about the cause. With my hands tied and not knowing why he has this, I take him for a little walk, feed him a lot of hay to get a system rebooted, and head to the draft barn. I think this scared me more than it would the average person because of what happened last year with Rocket. It went from a simple case of Tick Fever to him dying. Any time this horse seems unwell, it is almost like a mini PTSD episode of going back to last year and the loss that I faced. Even though I end at the draft barn around 9 PM , I still stop by at my barn to check on him. He seems to be improving thankfully.
When I get home, I'm worried that my cat will keep me up again. I'm worried that this is more than a urinary tract infection. What if this is our new reality? She's been doing pretty well lately and the fact that she has lost a little weight and there's nothing I can really do about it bothers me. (worry worry worry) But luckily, she slept all the way through the night. She was tucked into my side, while I was afraid to move an inch just in case I wake her up. I also got a text from my barn owner this morning and the pony is back to normal. But why do I still feel like this? It's almost like I look for something to worry about. I often chide Seamus for constantly looking for stuff to spook at or react to, but I am no better than he. It's not something I can just turn off like other people without my mental disability. Don't get me wrong, I do live worry-free sometimes. But the times where I do worry, it seemingly is out of my control. It's basically like living with this constant weight on your chest, feeling like something terrible is about to happen and you don't know what. What makes it worse? The last time I had one of these strong feelings, my horse died a week later.
Sometimes I think about going out and taking a chance. I have been wanting to at least visit Ireland and England again for quite some time. I don't know what stops me, but I have a feeling it's being far away from my family. What if I have one of these bad anxiety episodes and I don't know anyone well enough to help me through it? More than once, I've thought of at least going out there and even living there for a year. But at the end of the day, something always stops me, and I think that something is my anxiety and fear.
My diet has slipped a little bit. I'm a lot more lenient with what I eat. My sisters are here this week, so I am surrounded by baked goods and chips and food that I don't keep in my own house. I'm having dinners that I have to actually choose my own portion size. When I have meals at home, I'm only cooking for myself, so I just cut it in half and I save the rest for later. But here, there are home-cooked meals every night, much better than my chicken breast with guacamole. I had too much ice cream cake. I snuck some more and still wanted to have another slice. But I didn't. I must sound like a broken record, but I'm excited to meet with the dietitian and see what they have to say about improving my diet and getting me feeling better. I still have major cravings. I think I'm getting a little too far off my original goal of being healthy and not just losing weight. Once I start taking my health goals seriously, I think the weight will fall off naturally. And another problem that I am facing is that I am starting to get acne. Throughout my teen years and into my 20s, that is one of the few things that I haven't struggled with, health-wise. But recently, my skin has gotten oily and I have gotten acne breakouts more frequently. This morning, I woke up with a stye in my eye and a pimple on my chin. This isn't normal and I know that I am provoking this somehow with my diet. I need to figure out where I'm going wrong and correct it. I have a feeling it's the fact that I am eating greasier food with more cholesterol than normal. Because I've cut out most carbs, I am still geared towards the fattier food. But that food comes with a cost, i.e., my skin. I need to learn the difference between good fats and bad. This is something that I haven't really had to deal with. I wish I had taken a better nutrition class, even in elementary school. Maybe then, I wouldn't be so lost now.
But I did make some good choices this week. Even as simple as choosing a whole wheat wrap over a white one with today's lunch. Ideally, I wouldn't have had the tortilla at all, but this is real life and I will occasionally eat processed bread. I need to learn how to do that while keeping portions and cravings under control. Tonight, my family was having tacos. I was lost with how I could make that low-carb, and still wanted to be included in the meal. Finally I thought about having tacos and substituting the shell for lettuce. In the end, it worked out more as a taco salad than actual tacos, but it did the trick.
This is the first week since I've started this that I haven't lost anything. I am only up .4 of a pound, but it still is frustrating. That being said, I did slip a lot this week.
My schedule has changed, what with school and stuff. That's not a bad thing, but it's a change and I'm not good with change. I know, I know, I wanted this. But the added stress of classes has done some damage to my mental health. Nothing that will stop me from continuing, and I'm sure that once I get into the groove of it, I will feel better. But as of now, it's all brand spanking new, and very much overwhelming.
Along with that, I have my horse who apparently had something wrong with his stifle and is out of commission until I can have my vet looking at him next week.
When I get home, I'm worried that my cat will keep me up again. I'm worried that this is more than a urinary tract infection. What if this is our new reality? She's been doing pretty well lately and the fact that she has lost a little weight and there's nothing I can really do about it bothers me. (worry worry worry) But luckily, she slept all the way through the night. She was tucked into my side, while I was afraid to move an inch just in case I wake her up. I also got a text from my barn owner this morning and the pony is back to normal. But why do I still feel like this? It's almost like I look for something to worry about. I often chide Seamus for constantly looking for stuff to spook at or react to, but I am no better than he. It's not something I can just turn off like other people without my mental disability. Don't get me wrong, I do live worry-free sometimes. But the times where I do worry, it seemingly is out of my control. It's basically like living with this constant weight on your chest, feeling like something terrible is about to happen and you don't know what. What makes it worse? The last time I had one of these strong feelings, my horse died a week later.
Sometimes I think about going out and taking a chance. I have been wanting to at least visit Ireland and England again for quite some time. I don't know what stops me, but I have a feeling it's being far away from my family. What if I have one of these bad anxiety episodes and I don't know anyone well enough to help me through it? More than once, I've thought of at least going out there and even living there for a year. But at the end of the day, something always stops me, and I think that something is my anxiety and fear.
My diet has slipped a little bit. I'm a lot more lenient with what I eat. My sisters are here this week, so I am surrounded by baked goods and chips and food that I don't keep in my own house. I'm having dinners that I have to actually choose my own portion size. When I have meals at home, I'm only cooking for myself, so I just cut it in half and I save the rest for later. But here, there are home-cooked meals every night, much better than my chicken breast with guacamole. I had too much ice cream cake. I snuck some more and still wanted to have another slice. But I didn't. I must sound like a broken record, but I'm excited to meet with the dietitian and see what they have to say about improving my diet and getting me feeling better. I still have major cravings. I think I'm getting a little too far off my original goal of being healthy and not just losing weight. Once I start taking my health goals seriously, I think the weight will fall off naturally. And another problem that I am facing is that I am starting to get acne. Throughout my teen years and into my 20s, that is one of the few things that I haven't struggled with, health-wise. But recently, my skin has gotten oily and I have gotten acne breakouts more frequently. This morning, I woke up with a stye in my eye and a pimple on my chin. This isn't normal and I know that I am provoking this somehow with my diet. I need to figure out where I'm going wrong and correct it. I have a feeling it's the fact that I am eating greasier food with more cholesterol than normal. Because I've cut out most carbs, I am still geared towards the fattier food. But that food comes with a cost, i.e., my skin. I need to learn the difference between good fats and bad. This is something that I haven't really had to deal with. I wish I had taken a better nutrition class, even in elementary school. Maybe then, I wouldn't be so lost now.
But I did make some good choices this week. Even as simple as choosing a whole wheat wrap over a white one with today's lunch. Ideally, I wouldn't have had the tortilla at all, but this is real life and I will occasionally eat processed bread. I need to learn how to do that while keeping portions and cravings under control. Tonight, my family was having tacos. I was lost with how I could make that low-carb, and still wanted to be included in the meal. Finally I thought about having tacos and substituting the shell for lettuce. In the end, it worked out more as a taco salad than actual tacos, but it did the trick.
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