An anniversary I'd rather not have, a dietician, and a disappointment.
This post contains a lot of horse terminology. I think most of it is pretty standard, but if anyone doesn't know what I mean, just shoot me a message for clarification.
I have been working on writing this post for a few days. It wasn't easy, and although a lot of emotions and opinions were flowing, the words weren't.
This week has been tough. I wasn't sure how this time of year will affect me, because it is quickly approaching the one-year mark since I lost my best friend. I was lucky enough to have him for eleven years and he taught me the meaning of being selfless, responsible, and the dedication it takes to care for another living being. But in return, he also cared for me. He was my backbone, and the one constant in my life. I could always count on going to whatever farm he was at, wherever I was throughout those years, and seeing that face with the star and stripe looking back at me. Don't get me wrong, this horse usually only wanted food from me and walked away from me when he realized all I needed was a hug but carried no treat. It just was who he was. I know he cared about me, in the equivalency of love to horses. He just was picky about exactly when he was cuddly. That horse was definitely a snuggle bunny, but only on his terms. My way of comfort was always to touch that white star of his; swirl my hand until he closed his eyes under my palm. This year was the first in almost half of my life that I wasn't able to do that. Suddenly, that one constant was gone.
On October 10, it will be a year since Rocket passed away. A lot has changed this year, but at the same time, not much has. The biggest change is the presence of Seamus in my life. He is pretty much the polar opposite to Rocket in most personality traits, but there are some similarities that make me smile. Most of them are quirks that most people wouldn't like, such as the disgusting water buckets and love of running up hills. But they are close to my heart in a way that I can't really explain why. I guess it makes Rocket feel not so far away.
I am finally making progress with Seamus, though. After months of setbacks with saddle fit, my worrying that I was too heavy for him, SI joint stiffness and just letting him settle into the fact that he isn't going to be bouncing around anymore, we have forward momentum. At least, we did.
Last Tuesday, we went on a trail ride with our friends Emily and Shonna. We trail-blazed down a hill for a bit. He was nervous but listened. Considering he doesn't like his feet sinking even an inch, he was a good kid. When we finally got to the Airline trail, a long, straight, flat packed dirt road basically, we were all a bit relieved, and continued to walk and trot on the straightaway. He was nice and relaxed, and we even did a nice hunter pace canter. On the way back home, there is a dirt road that is all uphill. I let him run up it, and we walked home. When we got home, I gave him a Vetrolin bath because it was a tough ride and let him graze.
The next day, we put our bareback pad on for the first time and I didn't know what I was expecting. But he was a superstar and our barn owner got it on video. When I got home, I looked at the footage and realized his hind end was funky. He was stabby with his gait and looked overall stiff and uncomfortable. A couple of other people saw this too. Luckily, we had a chiropractor appointment that Saturday anyways, so we waited and hoped it was just his SI joints acting up again.
It wasn't. The chiropractor said his hips and SI joints were actually nice and loose, but one of his stifles is ouchy. We need to have our vet out to do an evaluation. Since we have insurance, he even suggested just taking him to Tufts to get a bone scan for a more specific diagnosis. It hit me hard. Finally we were doing well. But now, almost a year after what happened with Rocket, I might have another horse going to Tufts. I know, it's a completely different circumstance, but it hits home. I didn't want to have to go back there for a long, long time. I haven't seen my vet in more than 6 months, and the last time we saw each other, he was telling me that a horse failed a pre-purchase exam. Now, first time meeting my horse, and it's for a lameness. What if it is a lifelong thing that I can't fix? What if he needs surgery for a piece of cartilage rubbing the wrong way? (This, I was told, was a possibility). What if he needs a long while of stall rest? He freaks when even one horse is outside. The thoughts and worst case scenarios were flowing rapidly and rabidly.
That night, I was anxious, depressed, and angry all wrapped up into one neat package. Everything seemed too bright and loud. I knew I was dealing with a flare-up of a dissociative panic attack brought on by stress. I took a Xanax and did my job at the drafts. I plodded along. An even more frustrating aspect is that I have to wait 4 days (at the time) until the office reopens from the long weekend. It's frustrating to have this happen but even more so when you have to wait. We will see what happens, but it just sucks when I am finally making progress and now we have to halt. Literally. Here's to hoping it's just temporary, but I have a feeling we will find an underlying condition. I honestly hope we find a non-serious, treatable condition because the fact that we've had so many aches and pains and it's only been 4 months worries me. I am in better spirits now, but it also selfishly makes me sad because now I have nobody ride again. Especially now that I am around 16 lb down, I feel less self conscious about riding, even other people's horses. Not being able to ride and losing even more muscles that I use in the saddle just bums me out. I wish I were in the financial situation to free lease another horse meanwhile, but clearly I am not.
In terms of diet, I'm kind of middle-of-the-road at the moment. I haven't had any major setbacks, but I am probably over 100g. That being said, the dietician has finally answered me, and we are meeting next Wednesday. She mentioned on the phone that since I do have an underlying condition of anxiety and depression, I should actually stick to 160g per day, as that is the minimum that the brain needs to function properly. Without it, I am much more susceptible to harsher and more common panic attacks and depressive episodes. It will be a matter of finding good carbs I can have that won't allow me to lose my momentum. If I allow more processed carbs, I am afraid I will revert, like I have said many times. Just like the horse situation, we shall see.
I have been working on writing this post for a few days. It wasn't easy, and although a lot of emotions and opinions were flowing, the words weren't.
This week has been tough. I wasn't sure how this time of year will affect me, because it is quickly approaching the one-year mark since I lost my best friend. I was lucky enough to have him for eleven years and he taught me the meaning of being selfless, responsible, and the dedication it takes to care for another living being. But in return, he also cared for me. He was my backbone, and the one constant in my life. I could always count on going to whatever farm he was at, wherever I was throughout those years, and seeing that face with the star and stripe looking back at me. Don't get me wrong, this horse usually only wanted food from me and walked away from me when he realized all I needed was a hug but carried no treat. It just was who he was. I know he cared about me, in the equivalency of love to horses. He just was picky about exactly when he was cuddly. That horse was definitely a snuggle bunny, but only on his terms. My way of comfort was always to touch that white star of his; swirl my hand until he closed his eyes under my palm. This year was the first in almost half of my life that I wasn't able to do that. Suddenly, that one constant was gone.
On October 10, it will be a year since Rocket passed away. A lot has changed this year, but at the same time, not much has. The biggest change is the presence of Seamus in my life. He is pretty much the polar opposite to Rocket in most personality traits, but there are some similarities that make me smile. Most of them are quirks that most people wouldn't like, such as the disgusting water buckets and love of running up hills. But they are close to my heart in a way that I can't really explain why. I guess it makes Rocket feel not so far away.
I am finally making progress with Seamus, though. After months of setbacks with saddle fit, my worrying that I was too heavy for him, SI joint stiffness and just letting him settle into the fact that he isn't going to be bouncing around anymore, we have forward momentum. At least, we did.
Last Tuesday, we went on a trail ride with our friends Emily and Shonna. We trail-blazed down a hill for a bit. He was nervous but listened. Considering he doesn't like his feet sinking even an inch, he was a good kid. When we finally got to the Airline trail, a long, straight, flat packed dirt road basically, we were all a bit relieved, and continued to walk and trot on the straightaway. He was nice and relaxed, and we even did a nice hunter pace canter. On the way back home, there is a dirt road that is all uphill. I let him run up it, and we walked home. When we got home, I gave him a Vetrolin bath because it was a tough ride and let him graze.
The next day, we put our bareback pad on for the first time and I didn't know what I was expecting. But he was a superstar and our barn owner got it on video. When I got home, I looked at the footage and realized his hind end was funky. He was stabby with his gait and looked overall stiff and uncomfortable. A couple of other people saw this too. Luckily, we had a chiropractor appointment that Saturday anyways, so we waited and hoped it was just his SI joints acting up again.
It wasn't. The chiropractor said his hips and SI joints were actually nice and loose, but one of his stifles is ouchy. We need to have our vet out to do an evaluation. Since we have insurance, he even suggested just taking him to Tufts to get a bone scan for a more specific diagnosis. It hit me hard. Finally we were doing well. But now, almost a year after what happened with Rocket, I might have another horse going to Tufts. I know, it's a completely different circumstance, but it hits home. I didn't want to have to go back there for a long, long time. I haven't seen my vet in more than 6 months, and the last time we saw each other, he was telling me that a horse failed a pre-purchase exam. Now, first time meeting my horse, and it's for a lameness. What if it is a lifelong thing that I can't fix? What if he needs surgery for a piece of cartilage rubbing the wrong way? (This, I was told, was a possibility). What if he needs a long while of stall rest? He freaks when even one horse is outside. The thoughts and worst case scenarios were flowing rapidly and rabidly.
That night, I was anxious, depressed, and angry all wrapped up into one neat package. Everything seemed too bright and loud. I knew I was dealing with a flare-up of a dissociative panic attack brought on by stress. I took a Xanax and did my job at the drafts. I plodded along. An even more frustrating aspect is that I have to wait 4 days (at the time) until the office reopens from the long weekend. It's frustrating to have this happen but even more so when you have to wait. We will see what happens, but it just sucks when I am finally making progress and now we have to halt. Literally. Here's to hoping it's just temporary, but I have a feeling we will find an underlying condition. I honestly hope we find a non-serious, treatable condition because the fact that we've had so many aches and pains and it's only been 4 months worries me. I am in better spirits now, but it also selfishly makes me sad because now I have nobody ride again. Especially now that I am around 16 lb down, I feel less self conscious about riding, even other people's horses. Not being able to ride and losing even more muscles that I use in the saddle just bums me out. I wish I were in the financial situation to free lease another horse meanwhile, but clearly I am not.
In terms of diet, I'm kind of middle-of-the-road at the moment. I haven't had any major setbacks, but I am probably over 100g. That being said, the dietician has finally answered me, and we are meeting next Wednesday. She mentioned on the phone that since I do have an underlying condition of anxiety and depression, I should actually stick to 160g per day, as that is the minimum that the brain needs to function properly. Without it, I am much more susceptible to harsher and more common panic attacks and depressive episodes. It will be a matter of finding good carbs I can have that won't allow me to lose my momentum. If I allow more processed carbs, I am afraid I will revert, like I have said many times. Just like the horse situation, we shall see.
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