Brutal honesty, downfalls, and plans.
I'm still weighing myself too often. It's interesting to me to see how my weight fluctuates all from the scale and from time of day to time of night. I've decided that in order to be honest and to give everyone more of a sense of where I started from to where I am now, I will share my actual weight. This is hard for me because it's actually one of my deepest secrets, as most fat girls would sympathize with. My starting weight was, drumroll please, 242 pounds. It's painful to write, and I am honestly a little timid about sharing this and knowing that people will probably judge me for riding my horse when I was that heavy. This morning, although it's not my official weigh-in day anymore and it was not the correct time, I am 228.2 pounds.
One of my main reasons for even trying to be healthier is so that I don't have to worry about hurting my horse. For anyone who has experienced what it feels like to not know whether or not you're too heavy for your own horse, you know just how devastating and demoralizing that feels. I'm supposed to be this creature's advocate and caretaker, and I might be hurting him unintentionally. Many horse people go off of that 20% rule of how much a horse can comfortably carry. With where I started from, I knew I was too heavy. I am now in the gray area. My saddle doesn't weigh much at all and I'm only a few pounds away from being under the 20%. That's a good feeling. If I'm honest, part of the reason why I haven't been riding him as often because I was afraid that I would be causing his back issues. I do know that it's saddle related as well, so it is definitely not just me, but it still is in the back of my mind.. Of course, being a bigger rider means that I pay more attention to my horse's physiological state. I'm not denying that all shapes and sizes of riders do this, but I am constantly checking, palpating, and evaluating that he is comfortable under my weight. It makes me hyperaware of any changes. Although being a plus sized rider is most of the time a struggle, this is actually one of the few good things.
In terms of diet, I am still kind of struggling to find variety. I need more fiber in my diet, and not to get too graphic, but I am not as regular as I was before I started. I know it's my body's way of adjusting, but I also know that it's been over a month now. I'm yet to feel drastically different. My energy level is pretty much the same as it was, but I'm not doing a conservative carb diet, where although the detox is horrible, those people have a much steeper decline and ultimately feel results faster. I am allowed to still have the benefits of eating carbs, just without going overboard. Even now, I am enjoying a Dunkin coffee with real sugar. It only has one pump of my hazelnut swirl, whereas before, it would have three or four. I'm not going to finish it, but I am starting to notice a slight difference between when I first started and now in terms of my taste buds. Before, I probably wouldn't have thought that this coffee was that sweet, but now it unquestionably is sweet enough. I don't want to make this into a habit because, like I said have said previously, it is a slippery slope.
I'm happy to report that the dog is back to normal. I'm still glad that I brought him in though. As much as it sounds like I made a mountain out of a mole hill, breathing difficulties is not something that should be ignored and it's one of the things that I think should not be a "wait and see" scenario. I am so grateful to have an emergency clinic that is only a half an hour away and so well run. My hypochondria is still evident at times, especially relating to my animals. I'm hoping to get that under control
Seamus and I found a saddle that technically fits, but neither of us are thrilled with. We are swapping that saddle out with another one to try tomorrow. I'm excited to see how we both react to it, and I'm very grateful for Deb at Arbitrage Tack for helping us find our perfect match and for letting me be so hands-on with the process.
Today is mostly a cleanup day at my parents' house. It's an overhaul of my room here because it has become very cluttered and ultimately messy. Then I go to the Draft barn, then to my barn, and finally home to my house. So much clutter from GISHWHES, but hopefully that'll get done sometime this week.
One of my main reasons for even trying to be healthier is so that I don't have to worry about hurting my horse. For anyone who has experienced what it feels like to not know whether or not you're too heavy for your own horse, you know just how devastating and demoralizing that feels. I'm supposed to be this creature's advocate and caretaker, and I might be hurting him unintentionally. Many horse people go off of that 20% rule of how much a horse can comfortably carry. With where I started from, I knew I was too heavy. I am now in the gray area. My saddle doesn't weigh much at all and I'm only a few pounds away from being under the 20%. That's a good feeling. If I'm honest, part of the reason why I haven't been riding him as often because I was afraid that I would be causing his back issues. I do know that it's saddle related as well, so it is definitely not just me, but it still is in the back of my mind.. Of course, being a bigger rider means that I pay more attention to my horse's physiological state. I'm not denying that all shapes and sizes of riders do this, but I am constantly checking, palpating, and evaluating that he is comfortable under my weight. It makes me hyperaware of any changes. Although being a plus sized rider is most of the time a struggle, this is actually one of the few good things.
In terms of diet, I am still kind of struggling to find variety. I need more fiber in my diet, and not to get too graphic, but I am not as regular as I was before I started. I know it's my body's way of adjusting, but I also know that it's been over a month now. I'm yet to feel drastically different. My energy level is pretty much the same as it was, but I'm not doing a conservative carb diet, where although the detox is horrible, those people have a much steeper decline and ultimately feel results faster. I am allowed to still have the benefits of eating carbs, just without going overboard. Even now, I am enjoying a Dunkin coffee with real sugar. It only has one pump of my hazelnut swirl, whereas before, it would have three or four. I'm not going to finish it, but I am starting to notice a slight difference between when I first started and now in terms of my taste buds. Before, I probably wouldn't have thought that this coffee was that sweet, but now it unquestionably is sweet enough. I don't want to make this into a habit because, like I said have said previously, it is a slippery slope.
I'm happy to report that the dog is back to normal. I'm still glad that I brought him in though. As much as it sounds like I made a mountain out of a mole hill, breathing difficulties is not something that should be ignored and it's one of the things that I think should not be a "wait and see" scenario. I am so grateful to have an emergency clinic that is only a half an hour away and so well run. My hypochondria is still evident at times, especially relating to my animals. I'm hoping to get that under control
Seamus and I found a saddle that technically fits, but neither of us are thrilled with. We are swapping that saddle out with another one to try tomorrow. I'm excited to see how we both react to it, and I'm very grateful for Deb at Arbitrage Tack for helping us find our perfect match and for letting me be so hands-on with the process.
Today is mostly a cleanup day at my parents' house. It's an overhaul of my room here because it has become very cluttered and ultimately messy. Then I go to the Draft barn, then to my barn, and finally home to my house. So much clutter from GISHWHES, but hopefully that'll get done sometime this week.
Kathryn, I applaud your honesty. I want to reiterate how important it is to go about this slowly, allowing yourself to not feel so boxed-in and deprived. That is the only way you will reach your goals, stay there AND make it a lifelong lifestyle change.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the great work!