Anxiety, the ever-changing chameleon
Bear with me, folks. This one might get a little long.
*Also quick note before we start. I have been evaluated and diagnosed by trained professionals. I have been in therapy on and off since young adolescence, and am medicated for my anxiety. Sometimes, despite what you do, anxiety still finds a way in.
Some of you may not know this, but my anxiety manifests in strange ways. It makes me feel something called Dissociation, broken down into 2 subcategories: Derealization, and/or Depersonalization. What that means is basically that my brain starts to question my own existence. It becomes weird that I have a face; that I exist in a world other than in my own thoughts; that other people can see and hear me and even have their OWN world. It doesn't necessarily sound super scary, but when you can't escape it, trust me when I say it feels like one big nightmare that I can't wake up from. This is a self-destructive mess for me, and has been since I was 13 years old. It ebbs and flows, but I had a bad feeling once I started getting the hypochondria episodes that this would eventually come up.
On occasion, I do have the 'typical' panic attack, but my anxiety attacks are almost always in the form of the depersonalization. The best way I can describe it to someone who has never experienced it is to imagine that your soul is completely new to your body. You still have your own memories, recognize people, places, etc., but everything is new; even the concept that you are a living, breathing, talking human. It is as though you have spent your whole life as a secondhand observer, and then suddenly you're thrown into a different world. Sometimes, I feel claustrophobic in my own skin. I often worry about how this will affect romantic relationships in the future, since my attacks can last longer than a week, and when I am in them, I am as reclusive as I can possibly get away with. My form of coping is to essentially immerse myself into a tv show or something to distract me from my own self-destruct. The first time I had one of these attacks, I was 13 and nobody knew what it was. I thought I might have a brain tumor. But I was too deep into depersonalization to remember what it feels like to be 'normal'. That's the real kicker. When you're in that fog, it is impossible to remember what it felt like before you entered it. It essentially feels like there is no hope.
Tonight, after exercising (well, him running around like a chicken with his head cut off) Seamus for a bit, M (barn owner), J (fellow boarder) and I grazed the horses and fed them dinner. While I was filling up troughs for tomorrow's turnout, a switch was turned in my brain. Well, it was more like a dimmer, because the seed of anxiety/depersonalization was planted then. I finished up everything, afraid of what was/is coming next. I drove home and curled up in a ball, and found a Hallmark movie to binge. It helped, but I am in the dark as to whether or not it will raise its ugly head tomorrow. The thing with this kind of anxiety is it is totally self-fed. I am afraid of it, thus I encourage it. But this is like trying to tell a little girl to not be afraid of monsters under her bed. Except these monsters take me over.
This will be something that will be a little trickier than cravings, headaches, or carb counting to control. I am hoping, though, that if I can make it out of this detox tunnel, the other side will be better for both my physical and mental health.
Now, getting to the regular food logging stuff. You know, the stuff that doesn't make me sound like I should be a mental hospital inpatient.
I made a smoothie for pre-dinner/post lunch snack. As of now, I am winging it in terms of recipes. I took a cup of this frozen tropical fruit blend (mangos, pineapples, coconut chunks, some other stuff that I forget), 3/4 cup of full fat Greek yogurt, a spoonful of peanut butter, milk, and cream. It was good! I just need to calculate the carbs.
Dinner was a bowl of the leftover mac and cheese with some bacon.
I also had another peach and 2 spoonfuls of this cinnamon cream cheese to fulfill my sugar/carb/binge cravings.
I know I probably went over 100g of carbs today. But all I can do is learn from it and move on. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but as I like to say about training sessions with the yellow pony: expect nothing, prepare for everything.
*Also quick note before we start. I have been evaluated and diagnosed by trained professionals. I have been in therapy on and off since young adolescence, and am medicated for my anxiety. Sometimes, despite what you do, anxiety still finds a way in.
Some of you may not know this, but my anxiety manifests in strange ways. It makes me feel something called Dissociation, broken down into 2 subcategories: Derealization, and/or Depersonalization. What that means is basically that my brain starts to question my own existence. It becomes weird that I have a face; that I exist in a world other than in my own thoughts; that other people can see and hear me and even have their OWN world. It doesn't necessarily sound super scary, but when you can't escape it, trust me when I say it feels like one big nightmare that I can't wake up from. This is a self-destructive mess for me, and has been since I was 13 years old. It ebbs and flows, but I had a bad feeling once I started getting the hypochondria episodes that this would eventually come up.
On occasion, I do have the 'typical' panic attack, but my anxiety attacks are almost always in the form of the depersonalization. The best way I can describe it to someone who has never experienced it is to imagine that your soul is completely new to your body. You still have your own memories, recognize people, places, etc., but everything is new; even the concept that you are a living, breathing, talking human. It is as though you have spent your whole life as a secondhand observer, and then suddenly you're thrown into a different world. Sometimes, I feel claustrophobic in my own skin. I often worry about how this will affect romantic relationships in the future, since my attacks can last longer than a week, and when I am in them, I am as reclusive as I can possibly get away with. My form of coping is to essentially immerse myself into a tv show or something to distract me from my own self-destruct. The first time I had one of these attacks, I was 13 and nobody knew what it was. I thought I might have a brain tumor. But I was too deep into depersonalization to remember what it feels like to be 'normal'. That's the real kicker. When you're in that fog, it is impossible to remember what it felt like before you entered it. It essentially feels like there is no hope.
Tonight, after exercising (well, him running around like a chicken with his head cut off) Seamus for a bit, M (barn owner), J (fellow boarder) and I grazed the horses and fed them dinner. While I was filling up troughs for tomorrow's turnout, a switch was turned in my brain. Well, it was more like a dimmer, because the seed of anxiety/depersonalization was planted then. I finished up everything, afraid of what was/is coming next. I drove home and curled up in a ball, and found a Hallmark movie to binge. It helped, but I am in the dark as to whether or not it will raise its ugly head tomorrow. The thing with this kind of anxiety is it is totally self-fed. I am afraid of it, thus I encourage it. But this is like trying to tell a little girl to not be afraid of monsters under her bed. Except these monsters take me over.
This will be something that will be a little trickier than cravings, headaches, or carb counting to control. I am hoping, though, that if I can make it out of this detox tunnel, the other side will be better for both my physical and mental health.
Now, getting to the regular food logging stuff. You know, the stuff that doesn't make me sound like I should be a mental hospital inpatient.
I made a smoothie for pre-dinner/post lunch snack. As of now, I am winging it in terms of recipes. I took a cup of this frozen tropical fruit blend (mangos, pineapples, coconut chunks, some other stuff that I forget), 3/4 cup of full fat Greek yogurt, a spoonful of peanut butter, milk, and cream. It was good! I just need to calculate the carbs.
Dinner was a bowl of the leftover mac and cheese with some bacon.
I also had another peach and 2 spoonfuls of this cinnamon cream cheese to fulfill my sugar/carb/binge cravings.
I know I probably went over 100g of carbs today. But all I can do is learn from it and move on. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but as I like to say about training sessions with the yellow pony: expect nothing, prepare for everything.
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